Махаббат – бірге болған жылдар

Махаббат

Махаббат

Өмір деген ақиқатында күрделі. Күрмеуін шешем деп жүргенде күндеріңнің бітіп қалуы да ғажап емес екен. Адамның азды-көпті ғұмырын адаспай жүріп өту үшін Алладан тек жаңылыспауды сұрау керек секілді. Өмір сол қателіктерімен қызық сияқты көрінсе де, бір ғана шалыс қадамның қасіреті қалған ғұмырыңды түзетуге келместей, басқа арнаға бұрып әкетсе ше?
– Анашым, мен біреуді шын жақсы көріп қалғанымды, ол адам менің шын махаббатым екенін қалай білуге болады? – дейді қазіргі заманның бүкпесіз сөйлейтін баласы.
Расында да, жай ұнату, өлердей ғашық болу немесе сол адамға үйренісіп қалғаныңды махаббат екен деп қабылдаудан қашу үшін, өмірдің өзі ұстаз болған ащы сабақтардан міндетті түрде өту керек пе? Өзің жаңылыстың делік, бірақ ең жақын адамдарың жылт етпе сезім, аяқастынан құйып кеткен өткінші жаңбырдай өтпелі махаббатқа ұрынбауы үшін ұрпағына ұлағат айтып отыратын Тағдыр атты әже былай дейтін сияқты.
– Айтыңызшы әже, мен өзімнің ғашық болып қалғанымды қалай түсінемін?
– Оп-оңай, балам, танысқан сәтің есіңде ме?
– Әрине, танысқан күнімізді ғана емес, әрбір жолыққанымыз, бір бірімізге ынтыға қарап, алғаш рет қол ұстасып, сүйіскеніміз, әр кездесуге қандай көйлек киіп барғаным, бәрі-бәрі есімде. Бұл махаббат па?
– Жоқ, балам! Махаббат – әр кездесуде өзіңнің не кигенің емес, оның не кигенін есіңде сақтау, ал сенікі – ұнату, ғашық болу ғана.
– Әже, барлық жігіттер маған бірдей сияқты болып көрінеді. Расында солай ма? Танысқаннан кейін-ақ, бәрі бірдей әңгіме айтады, бірдей қалжыңдасып, жанасуға ұмтылып, ақырында кетіп тынады.

Махаббат

Махаббат

– Әй, баламысың деген… Еркектердің бәрі ешқашан бірдей болған емес. Бірдей болып көрінетіні – әйелдер ылғи өзіне ұқсас адамдарды іздейді. Мысалы, саған қарапайым, үйкүшік еркектер ұнай ма? Олай болса, төрт қабырғадан ұзап ешқайда барғысы келмейді, күйбең тірлігі бітпейді деп ызыңдама. Жүрген ортасында жарқылдап, жора-жолдас жиып, күліп-ойнағанды жақсы көретін жігіттер ұнайтын болса, онда олардың достарын түн ортасында да күтіп алуға, шығарып салуға, тіпті, арасында пайда болатын «құрбыларымен» оны бөлісуге дайын бол. Егер романтиктерді жақсы көрсең, ол саған айлы түндерде өлең де оқып, шам жарығында шампан атып, өзімен бірге шарықтатар-ақ. Алайда, оның да ауық-ауық жанкүйзелісіне көніп, ізім-қайым жоғалып кететін күндеріне төзесің. Бұл қылықтарын ол тек «шығармашылық күйзеліске» түсіп жүргенімен ғана түсіндіретін болады. Егер де, артыңда қорған болар қамалдай мықты жігітке жар болуды аңсасаң, онда ол қабырғадан еркіндікке шығу да оңай болмайтындығын еске ұстағайсың, балам. Егер, балам, өз адамымды таптым, тағдырымды жолықтырдым деп есептесең, онда үш қарапайым қағиданы естен шығарма! Бірінші: ешқашан да және ешқандай жағдайда да оны алдама. Екінші: ешқашан да және ешқандай жағдайда оның көзіне шөп салушы болма. Үшінші: алдадың екен, көзіне шөп салдың ба, онда ешқашан және ешқандай жағдайда оған айтушы болма. Бірақ, алдыңғы екі қағиданы бұлжытпай есіңде сақтайтын бол, үшіншісі сонда келмейді.
– Айтыңызшы, Тағдыр әже, арамызда не болып бара жатқа-нын түсінер емеспін. Ұнатқан адамым менен соңғы кезде қашқақтайтын сияқты. Ешнәрсе айтпайды, телефоны сөндірулі, тіпті бұрынғыдай кездейсоқ та кездесіп қалмаймыз. Неге? Қалайда жолығып, осының бәрін білгенше жаным байыз табар емес.
– Егер хабарласқысы келмесе, кездесуді қаламаса, мұның себебі қарапайым, балам. Мұның жәй кеше жауған қар сияқты еріп кеткен сезім екенін өзің-ақ жаныңды азаптамай түсінуге тырыс. Бұл махаббат емес екенін мойында. Шын жақсы көрген азаматқа сүйгенін іздеп келуге ештеңе де кедергі бола алмайды. Ессіз ғашық болған адам күндіз көлеңкең сияқты қасыңнан қалмай, түнде терезеңді аңдыған болар еді. Сондықтан да кездесіп, неге қашқалақтап жүргенін білудің еш қажеті жоқ.
– Қалайша, әже, мен ол жігітті өлердей сүйем. Махаббатымды сақтау үшін күресуім қажет емес пе?
– Ол жігітті өтірік айтуға мәжбүрлегің келмесе, одан енді ештеңе сұрай көрме. Жұмыс көп болды, хабарласуға қол тимеді деген сылтау айтар. Ең болмағанда, жаныңды жаралайтын шындықты естімеу үшін есті адам өзі айтпай тиылады.
– Қалайша, әжетай, менің өмір бойы іздеген адамым осы сияқты болды ғой. Мен оны бір көргеннен ұнатқам. Ондай махаббатты ұмыту мүмкін емес. Шын ғашықтар туралы кітаптар біздің өмірімізден алынған секілді болатын…
– Ақымағым-ай, қазір мен не айтсам да ұғатын күйде емессің. Менің айтқан ақылымның саған бүгін бір де біреуі ұнамайды. Өкінішке қарай, осы ақымақтық адамның жастығымен, сұлулығымен бірге жоғалады. Бірақ, есіңде сақта, махаббат – бұл мәңгілікке бірге болуға бел байлау, бірге өмір сүрген жылдар. Мұны сен түсінген кезде кеш болуы ғажап емес. Әулекі сезімді шынайы махаббаттан ажыратуды үйренгенше, әлі тауға да тасқа да маңдайыңды ұрарсың, қателіктерің үшін көзің жасқа талай малынар…
Өмір-әже осылай дейді. Ал біз болсақ, еркектердің шеттерінен ержүрек, намысқой, өздеріне өздері сенімді болғанын қаншама қаласақ та, тіршіліктің ақиқаты басқа. Олар кез келген қоштасу мен ажырасуды міз бақпай қарсы алатын сияқты көрінгенімен де, шындығында, іштей күйрейді және мұны көрсетпейді. Оны түйсіну екі әйелдің біріне бұйырған емес… Олардың да жаны бала сияқты мәпелеуді, мүсіркеуде, аялап тұрғанды қалайтыны сөзсіз. Сондықтан әйел еркегімен екеуара мәселені ортаға салған кезде барынша нәзік, барынша дипломат болғаны жөн сияқты. «Менікі ғана дұрыс» дейтін белден басар бірбеткей шешім бақыттың кілтін тауып берген емес…
Міне осылай, өмір базарынан қайтып келе жатып, сол базардан бағын іздеген бойжеткенге Тағдыр-әже талай ақыл айтар. Алайда, адамдар бәрін өзі пенешесінен өткермей, өзгелердің өсиетіне құлақ қоюы некен-саяқ. Жазмыш деген бәлкім, осы болар.
Дегенмен, мына қызықты қараңыз, осы азды-көпті ғұмырда талай хикаялар мен оқиғаларға ортақ болыппыз. Бірақ, бір емес бірнеше рет қайталанған мына бір жәйт ойландырмай қоймайды…
Менің бір танысым өзін ешқашан түсінбей өткен, тіпті сүйіп те көрмеген сияқты көрінетін жарымен күндердің күнінде ажырасып тынды. Уақыт өте келе сол жігіт іздеген адамын тапқанын айтып, жаңадан үйленгенін сүйіншіледі.
Көңіліміз қалып көрмеген жақсы жолдастың шаңырағына қайта шуақ кіріп, шашу шашып бардық. О, Құдайдың құдіреті! Ол азаматтың екінші алған әйелі бұрынғы әйеліне ұқсайтындығы соншалықты, таңқалғанымызды жасыра алмадық. Күлгені, шаш қойысы, кейде қарадүрсіндеу болып көрінетін қылықтары бұрынғы келіншегінің көшірмесі сияқты еді? Мұның сыры неде?..

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